Joke of the week: adult

Showing posts with label adult. Show all posts

Sep 1, 2009

An excaped convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it.”

“Oh honey”, the wife said, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years. But he wasn’t kissing my neck… he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.”

How did it happen?

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. “Are you sure?”, she asked. “I’m sure, I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know. “I reckon not” I replied …

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

Maria just got married

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, “Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man, go upstairs and he’ll take care of you!”
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, “Mama, mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” said her mother. “All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!”

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

Her mother replied,”Don’t worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the sauce dear,” says the mother. “This is a job for Mama!”

A woman goes into a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Santa Claus on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Merry Christmas” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a champagne ottle with “Happy New Year” up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.”

Aug 31, 2009

Newton's laws

Newton’s 3 laws
1) every man has a pole , woman has a hole.
2) when pole enters hole , it produces a new soul.
3) when hand in motion , it produces lotion…

Girls are the best Engines in world

Girls are the best Engines in world.

Fits all sizes of piston,

Self lubricating System,

Start with finger touch,

Automatic monthly oil change,

TRY TO BE A “GÖÖD DRIVER”

Sales Girl: Sorry sir

Sales Girl: Sory sir, u can’t smoke here.

Man: But i bought cigrete frm d same shop.

Sales Girl: V also sell condom hEre, but it doesnt mean u start fucking here ! !

Teacher: Asea kon sa kaaam ha jo

Teacher: Aesa kon sa kaam ha jo 5 larke aik sath kr sakte hein.

Par 5 larkiyan kabhi nahi kar saktin?

Student: Sir, Aik hi Balti mei pishab..?

Aug 18, 2009

Q. What is the difference

Q. What is the difference among girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 & 68?
At 8: you take her to the bed & tell her a story.

At 18: you tell her a story & take her to bed.

At 28: u don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38: she tells u a story & takes u to bed.
At 48: u tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58: u stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68: if u take her to bed, that will be a story….!

Jul 14, 2009

Jack went to the doctor

Jack went to the doctor and said, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor told Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asked sadly, “What is this treatment?”

“Well,” the doctor explained, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thought about it silently, and then said, “Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. Let’s go for it.”

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bun and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack replied with his eyes watering, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another bun in my ass.” =))

It was the first day of Grade

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked.

”No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

The finals of the

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination–Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Doctor joke

A Cardiologist Died,
According to His will,
He was buried in a Heart shaped grave.

One of the doctors Laughed at the grave.

People asked,
”Why did you laugh at da heart shapd grave?

Dr. Replied
I’m thinking about my grave
I’m a gynecologist :-p

When some one insults u

When some1 insults U..

Think before U react..

It takes 72 muscles to get angry,

14 to smile

but
Only 4 muscles to take Ur midle finger up n say FUCK 0FF!

Jun 11, 2009

First Time In Night

Wife: Mujhay ghabrahat hu rahi hai.

Husband : I think this is ur first night

Wife: no ACTUALLY it is first time in night!